My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
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