i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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