the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
