the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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