if you like me you must not know who I am
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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