You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
