Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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