I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
babies were throwing up all over the place
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
