Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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