i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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