I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
