im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
We got so high we made milksteak
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
