I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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