At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
