can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
