I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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