Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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