I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i think i have two assholes
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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