hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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