i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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