The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
