I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
