if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
