I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
