Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
