New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
