shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
