I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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