You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
