Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
