you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
