I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
