we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
