Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
