I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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