you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Its about making memories worth repressing
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
