dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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