Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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