Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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