He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
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he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
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My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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