Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
