he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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