I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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