What a fucking waste of an outfit
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
