Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
