the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
