A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
