i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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