k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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