this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The air was thick with penises
We were destined to go to rehab together
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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