If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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