The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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