someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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