"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
