Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
