What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
