then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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